Howdy! I’m The Overthinker and this is You Asked, a different kind of advice column. This week I’m fielding two questions about giving and receiving. Have a question for The Overthinker? Share it with asktheoverthinker@gmail.com and it might be included in the next edition.
Dear Overthinker,
I chose my therapist, whom I've been seeing for two years, in large part because she took my insurance. When I lost my job, I obviously also lost my insurance, but she was very understanding and we worked out a reduced rate and cadence, and I've enjoyed working with her. I always intended to increase the rate once I became more financially stable and I recently got a new job. But she doesn't take my new insurance, there's a very high deductible, and her full fee is higher than I feel comfortable with (though it wouldn't be true that I literally cannot afford it). To complicate things, I think I may need a specialized program instead of general "talk therapy" and would really like to try that. But the situation feels so slimy and unethical, like "thanks for working with me for a reduced rate, now I don't want to work with you at all." A friend has suggested just giving her a gift of $1000 or so to try to make up the cost from the reduced rate, but that also feels weird. Thoughts?
Sincerely,
Priced Out
I don’t think that a monetary gift to your therapist is necessary recompense — or necessarily something your former therapist would even be able to accept, based on the various professional strictures around accepting gifts.
If you were continuing to work together, reassessing the slope of your sliding scale would make sense, seeing as your employment status has changed. You may still not be able to afford her full fee, but any amount can make a difference in how many other low- or no-fee clients your therapist is able to take on.
In this case, though, you’re moving on to someone with another speciality! This should be an extremely proud moment for your therapist. No one therapist can know everything and offer every treatment. Helping a client get to the point where they understand themselves and their needs, and are confident to pursue them — that’s the dream!
You’re right that your therapist has bills to pay. Fortunately, there are other ways you can pay her back, no cash required. These include expressing your thanks in-person or in writing; leaving a positive review online (if being publicly identified with your therapist is acceptable to you!); or, offline, referring someone you know to this therapist when the opportunity arises.
Dear Overthinker,
We’ve never exchanged gifts, but a friend is having a birthday with a zero number on the end. We’ve grown closer this past year and so I thought a gift might be nice because she is very sentimental but another part of me thinks she then will reciprocate for *my* birthday next year that ends in zero and I am not at all sentimental and I don’t want to create an obligation. Should I just send a card?
Sincerely,
The Big X-0
In Braiding Sweetgrass, botanist and author Robin Wall Kimmerer writes extensively — and magnificently — about gifts. “A gift comes to you through no action of your own, free, having moved toward you without your beckoning,” she writes. “It is not a reward; you cannot earn it, or call it to you, or even deserve it. And yet it appears. Your only role is to be open-eyed and present.”
Gifts are abundant: Our connection with others. Our own spiritual gifts (or what we might call in more secular language “talents” or “abilities”). The Earth itself. Sometimes, we struggle to see these gifts. And sometimes, when we see these gifts clearly, we fear them. For “gifts from the earth or from each other establish a particular relationship, an obligation of sorts to give, to receive, and to reciprocate.” A gift appears – and with it comes responsibility.
It sounds like, for you, this responsibility feels burdensome. I get it! Our particular gift-giving culture is toxic; it strains budgets and fills landfills. Rarely do we feel the thing we have wrapped in pretty paper actually represents our deep and abiding affection. But Kimmerer would encourage us to see the obligation as a gift in itself — the gift of exchange. As relational beings, we are always giving away and receiving in turn.
In the spirit of Braiding Sweetgrass, I would also encourage you to redefine what a gift is. What can you do for this friend that feels authentic? What feels appropriately celebratory of the closeness you currently share? You may try and fail to answer this with a craft, the sharing of a memory, or a visit to a special place. Of course, you may well end up, as the clock strikes midnight, abandoning all your ambitions and simply buying a card and some flowers and soothing yourself with reminders that “It’s the thought that counts!” In any case, your gift will create some obligation for your friend — which, if fulfilled, will create more of an obligation for you. This is OK. This is friendship. Let yourself feel it, perhaps fail to live up to it, and try again.
Strong feelings about this week’s advice? Leave a comment below or email me at asktheoverthinker@gmail.com.